reflect

my green eyes searched the rectangular reflection hanging on the back of my parent’s bedroom door.  from hair to heel, I ripped myself apart like a leopard does prey, comparing myself to asparagus thin, pristine women on glossy magazine covers from the grocery store. that 2D woman, posed alluringly with little clothing, told me how to look. her motionless, plump, red lips spoke to me an ideal and an only—that I could look like her, or be ugly. my acne, pointy nose, fat on my thighs, drew the conclusion: I was not good enough. no matter how much foundation I caked on, or how long I spent frying my hair with a straight iron, I couldn’t cross the chasm of beauty. I saw what i wasn’t. steady corrosion eroded me into a thin blanket of apologies. I collapsed.

waking up in a thicket of emerald ferns feathering a forest floor…was not what I expected. roots poked out of the earth like half bridge knobs. ancient bark soared tall, seen it all—laughter and tears, death and love. people who pined, searching their lifetime, the world over, for peace. that sometimes dull, sometimes screaming desire. starving, pain. universal earth ache. throbbing to be noticed, asking “do you love me?”

the dancing leaves and towering trees spoke testament: cosmic turmoil contained in every flesh tent. I knew it well. craving but never relieved. burning for more; born with flames tickling my  heart. a “do you love me?” echoed through the forest, through my lifetime. men came and went. one stayed for life. still I hungered. I searched—under clouds and stones, behind trunks and waterfalls, in human hands. nothing. who could whole this furious, yearning hole?!

a mere shadow of life, I crumpled under the tree canopy.

a crimson droplet cascaded through the leaves, dripped on my nose, drew my eyes up. life rain, love reigning. God sacrificed Himself, bloodied, beaten, killed by those He formed and desired. life for life. this God took my place, created a way for my wayward heart to be welcomed home! oh what LOVE! how could it be? tentative and aware of my stains, I timidly crouched under a fern. hiding. wishing. wondering. he beckoned me. me?? incredulous, i stayed hidden. already seen, fully known, yet totally loved. how?! such outrageous love seemed unreal.

yet, the love soaked me, sang my missing note, completed my puzzle. i was inside out, upside down, undone in the presence of soul saturating desire so passionate and sacrificing. I knew: I am LOVED. drawn out of hiding, led into light. that second of rapturous delight transformed me. forever clean. thank you Jesus.

woke up new on the shag carpet bedroom floor. once puddle but now sunrise, I beamed. a cross hammered hand reached down for me. set me free, loved me from scalding burns and tornado turns to healing and a whole heart.

looking into that same mirror, I reflect the forest. the soft ferns and gentle breeze found in my hair and graceful nose. Love found me.

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bodyy symphonyy

IMAG2522_1

A poem prayer for people today–people you and people me. People us. People not us. People all. Singing together to the Maker of people. People: Designed to dance. Made to praise. People = lost outside the original design. People us cannot be found until we’re lost. We find our life when we lose ourselves in the Conductor of creation.

Recipe for Frosted Whimsy

1 inch octopus tongue
Christmas morning
3 watts firefly butt
88 sunshine beam smiles
9 cups pebbles, sprinkles, dew medley
1 pond warm fuzzies
4 baby yaks
3 friends
For the frosting:
6 gallons fairy turds
2 whale songs
1/4 cup daisy doilies
11 minutes wind chime melody
top right corner of sunrise from September 5, 1542
Mix well.

Enjoy with your neighbors. Dance long. Sing strong. Look up. Rest. Run. Laugh till the fun’s done. Repeat.

awe(and then)some

Glorious and holy. Infinite yet intimate, loving clay and dust like us

Climb a ladder to the stars You named
Each hair on my head numbered

Spoke and there was light
Rewind to the womb
Where You knit me together inside my mother
Separated day from night
Every tear I’ve ever cried You hold in your bottle
Wrote my name in your book of life
Oh the wonder!
You’ve always been with me
From day one
To the day I’m done
here
God You see
Every heartbeat
Every blink
Every thought I think
Each sigh
Every heart cry
When I scream
And when I lie
Your love undoes me
The antidote to my bleeding soul
Empty me of me
Fill me up with You, God
Fill me with you God
Oh, the wonder!
Star breather
Ocean speaker
Come breathe again in me
There’s no life apart from you
Every breath filling my lungs a merciful gift from God above
(thank You)
Oh the wonder
Your understanding, beyond measure
Your beauty, beyond comprehension
Your Spirit alive inside this flesh tent
I don’t understand how a holy God could have affection for a people stained by sin but that’s where faith comes in
You sent Your only Son, crucified, arms stretched wide across the grey sky
Your love trickling to the ground, crimson droplets, a lovely tide, earth turned upside down, undone love himself came down, lived a perfect life, died to give us life. Rose victorious, conquering death, shame, sickness–his loss our gain. Unconditional love! I’m wrecked in your presence, tears splatter, heart pierced, unravel me Lord Jesus I surrender
Oh! the wonder…

perspective

Father God,

Thank you for this episiotomy–my child is alive.

Thank you for sleep deprivation–my child is a blessing.

Thank you for my toenail fungus–it reminds me this world is not my home.

When I cannot walk without pain, when I feel nothing but exhaustion, when every time I nurse my newborn in the recliner and think bad thoughts about my feet… there is light in the storm. The electricity is found in how much I allow Jesus to renew my mind. So, Lord, light up this blackened brain. I could use some hope.