disclosure

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’m a wife but how do I be married? I have a kid but how do I be a mom? I have a brain but how do I think healthily? I have a heart but what does it beat for? I have hands but for what do I use them? I have feet but where do I go?

I don’t know. I can’t pretend to know

any longer.

I can use internet to know,

but he is just as confused as I am.

I can ask all the people swimming around me,

but how can someone who doesn’t know how to swim save a drowning soul?

We’re all pretending we know.

We like to think we know.

Deep down we all know we don’t know. Look at sad. Look at worry. Look at mad and fear and reaching for the remote. the cigarette. the bottle. the pill. the credit card. the pennies. the other person.

Look at

the existence of bombs.

broken hearts.

spilled blood.

Fumbling my way through is not my avenue.

There’s this book called the Bible. the more I know it’s Author and I become what He says, the more I stop stumbling.

There’s this thing, this thing that I never knew existed, before I met Him. It’s called peace. And it’s awesome. Being at peace with God is the best. Living His way by His grace, there’s nothing like it on all the earth. No amount of money, makeup, work, being “good” can compare or purchase this happy, this joy. This joy is a gift. Available to all.

receive by faith.

I have no idea what I’m doing. but God knows exactly what He’s doing.

the only thing I know

is Him.

and I’m okay. ❤

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I know him!

 

this movie scene makes my heart pitter patter thump extra much wow! Buddy knew Santa as a person. He had a friendship, a love, a history with him. Buddy knew Santa’s favourite cookie, his shoe size, his lopsided smile and his endearing wink. Buddy’s reaction to the announcement of Santa’s coming says it all!

if the intercom of life bellowed “Jesus is coming back!” how would your heart respond? with winsome anticipation or distant ambivalence?

Jesus, I want to know you more! you paid my debt and saved my life and filled me with your endless love. thank you so much. I pray for every person to know that you are real and that you love them. this next year, may we know you as our best friend. always with us, always loving us. never changing. holy and beautiful. help us receive you like little children. like Buddy the elf! help us just be loved. reveal yourself to us, Lord. thank youuuu!<3

 

 

lush light

fire bulb bursts,

blossoming in the east

like frost-licked crocuses

tasting

spring.

majenta, violet, floral

embers frolic,

dripping and dreaming

fresh mercy.

crisp, pure tweets pierce solitude,

calling dusty sleepers:

Awake!

the King,

enthralled with her beauty

desires

to dance

with His bride.

 

Psalm 45:11

and the king will desire your beauty.

reflect

my green eyes searched the rectangular reflection hanging on the back of my parent’s bedroom door.  from hair to heel, I ripped myself apart like a leopard does prey, comparing myself to asparagus thin, pristine women on glossy magazine covers from the grocery store. that 2D woman, posed alluringly with little clothing, told me how to look. her motionless, plump, red lips spoke to me an ideal and an only—that I could look like her, or be ugly. my acne, pointy nose, fat on my thighs, drew the conclusion: I was not good enough. no matter how much foundation I caked on, or how long I spent frying my hair with a straight iron, I couldn’t cross the chasm of beauty. I saw what i wasn’t. steady corrosion eroded me into a thin blanket of apologies. I collapsed.

waking up in a thicket of emerald ferns feathering a forest floor…was not what I expected. roots poked out of the earth like half bridge knobs. ancient bark soared tall, seen it all—laughter and tears, death and love. people who pined, searching their lifetime, the world over, for peace. that sometimes dull, sometimes screaming desire. starving, pain. universal earth ache. throbbing to be noticed, asking “do you love me?”

the dancing leaves and towering trees spoke testament: cosmic turmoil contained in every flesh tent. I knew it well. craving but never relieved. burning for more; born with flames tickling my  heart. a “do you love me?” echoed through the forest, through my lifetime. men came and went. one stayed for life. still I hungered. I searched—under clouds and stones, behind trunks and waterfalls, in human hands. nothing. who could whole this furious, yearning hole?!

a mere shadow of life, I crumpled under the tree canopy.

a crimson droplet cascaded through the leaves, dripped on my nose, drew my eyes up. life rain, love reigning. God sacrificed Himself, bloodied, beaten, killed by those He formed and desired. life for life. this God took my place, created a way for my wayward heart to be welcomed home! oh what LOVE! how could it be? tentative and aware of my stains, I timidly crouched under a fern. hiding. wishing. wondering. he beckoned me. me?? incredulous, i stayed hidden. already seen, fully known, yet totally loved. how?! such outrageous love seemed unreal.

yet, the love soaked me, sang my missing note, completed my puzzle. i was inside out, upside down, undone in the presence of soul saturating desire so passionate and sacrificing. I knew: I am LOVED. drawn out of hiding, led into light. that second of rapturous delight transformed me. forever clean. thank you Jesus.

woke up new on the shag carpet bedroom floor. once puddle but now sunrise, I beamed. a cross hammered hand reached down for me. set me free, loved me from scalding burns and tornado turns to healing and a whole heart.

looking into that same mirror, I reflect the forest. the soft ferns and gentle breeze found in my hair and graceful nose. Love found me.

bodyy symphonyy

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A poem prayer for people today–people you and people me. People us. People not us. People all. Singing together to the Maker of people. People: Designed to dance. Made to praise. People = lost outside the original design. People us cannot be found until we’re lost. We find our life when we lose ourselves in the Conductor of creation.

A Mother’s Heart

I’m pregnant. About to pop, really.

Eight months or so ago, when the faint double pink line emerged from underneath my pee stream, I gobbledeecroomageaddeon! What is gobbledeecroomageaddeon!, you ask? Why it’s the feeling a woman gets when the test says yes. For some, gobbledeecroomageaddeon! equals elation. For others, terror. My gobbledeecroomageaddeon! was: there’s a herd of buffalos stampeding towards me but I can’t run because I’m a MERMAID!!

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Or something like that.

And so, as I attempted to flop my fin-butt away from charging, oversized mammals, it quickly became evident that I could not. JESUS, HELP!

I was not big-belly, serene mamamaid overnight:

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Nope.  That “pregnancy glow” was my sweat glands vomiting.

My brain went something like this:

I have no idea what I’m doing. How can I be a mom?! I don’t know how to care for a baby. Let alone raise a child. What if this, what if that, what if….. GOBBLEDEECROOMAGEADDEON!!

With all things, God’s way is the truth. I gathered my placenta brain and opened the Bible.

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BAM! 

Fear is not from God!

Father, I thank You that You have not given me a spirit of fear. I thank You for giving me a Spirit of power, of love, and of self-control.

Slowly, like the bun rising in my oven, God delivered me from fear by helping me respond in faith towards scripture.

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God gives us, not some, but ALL things needed for life and godliness!

In Christ, I have everything I need to be this baby’s momma.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Psalm 23:1

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places

Ephesians 1:3

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

When curious friends, family, and strangers touching my tummy ask if I’m scared to give birth or raise a human, I smile and express gratitude towards God. Jesus changed my motherhood, my gobbledeecroomageaddeon!, from fear to faith.

 

 

How to Stay Out of Prison

The Israelites were enslaved to the Egyptians. However, God never forgot about them.

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God delivered the Israelites through a servant, Moses. When the Egyptians chased the Israelites, not letting them go, God’s mighty, outstretched arm supernaturally parted the Red Sea. His people could cross through and be free of slavery.

Afterwards, in the wilderness on the way to the Promised land, God continued to take care of the Israelites. He gave them water from a rock and bread from dew. Most of all, His Presence was with them in a pillar of cloud by day and of fire by night. He chose them as His treasured possession. He loved them.

God desired they love Him back through covenant obedience. To listen and obey His voice. To be set apart, holy. To be His. He asked them simply to have faith, despite the wilderness surroundings.

In the same way, all human beings are born into sin. Enslaved to sin. God loves us. So He sent Jesus, His Son, to set us free. Jesus shed His blood by dying in our place on the cross. This is akin to the cross-ing of the Red (blood) sea. God made a way. Jesus is the way to life. For those who cross God’s way, there is freedom.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—  among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,  so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:1-10

We are saved by grace through faith. Grace is Jesus taking our place on the cross / parting of the Red Sea. Faith is receiving Him as Lord / believing in the wilderness. Faith, our response to God’s grace, is how we remain in Him because He’s set us free. Loving Him back through listening and obeying. Enjoying covenant relationship with the God of the universe!

Remember the Israelites? After God set them free, they had a choice: To believe God and obey, or to disobey. They chose the latter.

The New Testament of the Bible includes warnings for Christians concerning the Israelites:

For I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that our fathers were all under the cloud, and all passed through the sea,   and all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, and all ate the same spiritual food, and all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ. Nevertheless, with most of them God was not pleased, for they were overthrown  in the wilderness.

Now these things took place as examples for us, that we might not desire evil as they did. Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink and rose up to play.”  We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. We must not put Christ  to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents,  nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer.  Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come. Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.

1 Corinthians 10:1-14

 

Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
    on the day of testing in the wilderness,
where your fathers put me to the test
    and saw my works for forty years.
Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
    they have not known my ways.’
 As I swore in my wrath,
    ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

 

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. As it is said,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

 

For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness?  And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient?  So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief.

Hebrews 3:7-19

Today, all who believe in Jesus are free! We, like the Israelites, have a choice. Will we remain free by obeying, or disobey and fall away?

 

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Soften your heart. Listen to God. Receive His Son, His love and love Him back through obedience! Through following His narrow way: crossing the Red Sea, believing in Jesus.

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Another word for ‘abide’ is ‘remain.’ We must remain in Christ through faith. No matter our feelings, thoughts, or situations. Test and weigh every feeling against Scripture. Take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Remember truth no matter what happens. Trials are tests of faith. Remain. Be loved. Love. Give thanks. Enjoy God’s rest.

Stand firm!

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One day, (SOON!) it will allllll be worth it.

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To the Tired

Are you tired? Do you feel like you’ll never be good enough?

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About a year and a half ago, I was in a rehab program when God told me this verse. Exhausted & weary, carrying the weight of all my burdens and pain, I knew I needed the rest Jesus offers.

Where are you? Do you know that you need rest? Not just a physical rest–yes–but also a spiritual rest.

Christ is our rest. The good news is Jesus provided our way to be made right with God. No amount of striving or trying to earn salvation will do a thing. We can never be good enough.

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Jesus laid down His life for you. Believe Jesus loves you.

When you die and stand before God–just you and Him–and He asks you why He should let you into His Kingdom, what will you say?

Actually answer that.

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If your answer began with “I” and then a reason of your own “goodness” or deeds, it will not pass. Romans 3 says that no one is righteous. Not one. Going to church won’t save you. Having Christian parents won’t save you. Doing “good” things or trying extra hard to be good will not cover you. That’s called religion. It’s of the devil.

While Jesus hung on the cross, He said: It is finished. Rest in the finished work of God on your behalf. This is grace. There’s nothing you can do to earn your way to Heaven. Salvation is a freely given gift, to be received through faith.

God wants relationship with  you through Jesus. Not religion.

He wants  your heart.

The best part is Jesus died so we can be in covenant relationship with God right now. Yes, eternity with God will be awesome. This freedom, the Kingdom of God, is at hand. It’s now. When we truly know God, He transforms us from the inside out. Makes us reborn. Fills us with His Spirit. Sets us free. A relationship with God is not praying a prayer once to go to Heaven then continuing to live however you want. A relationship with God is total surrender and dying to self. Being made alive: a new creation. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

If you want to know God, you can! Go to Jesus.

God doesn’t “put up with you.” HE LOVES YOU. You’re His treasured creation. Go to Jesus. Enter God’s rest. Discover fellowship with God. He’s calling your name.

 

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God,

Thank you for loving us. I pray for each person that reads this blog. May they know you.

dim the din. . .

turn off the world

places

things

circumstance

way of man—

take away temporary

come with heaven

open these eyes to see

you

 

veil torn

chasm crossed

purity

holiness

wholeness

fix my eyes on the unseen

all the world

disappears

 

hope

faith

love

come with

your power

glory

presence

rain on this desert

dry and empty

apart from you

 

remove each empty thing

fill me with eternity

 

Jesus: hope of every heart.

 

your love lasts forever & ever!!

 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

 

 

 

that feeling when you get a gift and it’s awesome

hours curled on the kitchen floor, with each sigh and sniffle willing in sunshine or smiles, a new season, something.

when did life get so frowns and tears?

another tissue box shuffle–full to empty. empty and low. the sidewalks notice me. maybe. that’s how i feel.


flipping through this big, ancient, alive book I find this:

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

psalm 103:1-5

starving girl, an outward reflection of inner rejection. shredding myself, acidic mantras beaten into brain grooves deep and foreboding… stupid, ugly, never good

enough.

muscles fizz and spasm with unending tension, unable to function. bruised, beaten, distressed.

puffed up mind, torn apart soul

curled like a hedgehog or fallen leaf,

weeping sheepishly on the linoleum tiles

drowning slowly

in shame.


psalm 103:4

:WHO REDEEMS YOUR LIFE FROM THE PIT

how to hope for a saving hand, when already eleven feet under?

this takes Spirit and love beyond the border of stars and dark.

to believe in God though

death steals hearts near yours and

sickness feeds on your very bone marrow.

starving stomach, do you hope for sustenance

deferred heart, do you thump up to beat a melody, still?

dusty drum set

book spine uncracked

how does the lioness mama crouch to pounce after missing potential dinner twenty times

already


the healing came like crocuses and acrobat chickadees after a biting arctic melts under raw sun extract.

the rays of sun, like curls of flame, crackled and licked chilly waves of air. wild and unhindered, the fire consumed old chaff of life. Jesus–my Jesus– purifies my heart, electrifying each notebeat to compose a new rhythm, new land. like a tree gracing the forest ceiling, many take solace in His roots, bark, branches.

 

the healing came slowly then suddenly, and nothing of my own doing.  two cross beams nailed across east and west, Jesus hung there for me. lived and died and lived again. gives me life, too. this i know with all the atoms I’m composed of–He loves me.

dancing with the Author, His hand ever extended, Jesus invites you and me out of the pit. redemption. 

a free gift.