last inhale

do  you know the leaves’ names (personal–not scientific)

in class of 1683?

how many breaths are left in your lung pouches?

esophagus closes like a casket

the sky bleeds in baskets

time, names, roots, numbers–meaningless if God slumbers

(He’s alive, keeping cells and molecules in place)

walruses blink

youth melts

paint runs

gravity’s race

sky water slips down like thirty-eight yesterdays

what even stays the same?

is there a sane anchor in madness?

where is order? who is peace?

how can death be displaced?

apart from origin, away from Creator, confusion and emptiness cause heart craters

empty eyes, hollow chests when we think we know best

have you ever made a boulder or spoke to form a glacier?

have you crafted a giraffe, do you know how to make the stars laugh?

were you there when heaven’s Miracle melted earth, rebirthed, second breath?

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

 

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disclosure

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’m a wife but how do I be married? I have a kid but how do I be a mom? I have a brain but how do I think healthily? I have a heart but what does it beat for? I have hands but for what do I use them? I have feet but where do I go?

I don’t know. I can’t pretend to know

any longer.

I can use internet to know,

but he is just as confused as I am.

I can ask all the people swimming around me,

but how can someone who doesn’t know how to swim save a drowning soul?

We’re all pretending we know.

We like to think we know.

Deep down we all know we don’t know. Look at sad. Look at worry. Look at mad and fear and reaching for the remote. the cigarette. the bottle. the pill. the credit card. the pennies. the other person.

Look at

the existence of bombs.

broken hearts.

spilled blood.

Fumbling my way through is not my avenue.

There’s this book called the Bible. the more I know it’s Author and I become what He says, the more I stop stumbling.

There’s this thing, this thing that I never knew existed, before I met Him. It’s called peace. And it’s awesome. Being at peace with God is the best. Living His way by His grace, there’s nothing like it on all the earth. No amount of money, makeup, work, being “good” can compare or purchase this happy, this joy. This joy is a gift. Available to all.

receive by faith.

I have no idea what I’m doing. but God knows exactly what He’s doing.

the only thing I know

is Him.

and I’m okay. ❤

roots & rubble

dressed in blue hospital gown, they shut me on lock down. stuck pills on my tongue—chalky and chemical. told me they’d fix me, told me to swallow. labeled me broken, stigma and shame have the same name; they slithered in that day and decided to stay. told me I couldn’t. God said she can. He’s healer and redeemer, the only miracle maker.

shimmer of hope, a bright blast burst onto earth as the star came down, the Son, to shine as our sun and give light to a dead world. we grasped for the light switch, through eerie darkness. but our fingers got lost searching the wall. totally incapable of change or salvation. we need to become aware of our hole before we can be whole.

God’s mercy shone, brighter than 62 trillion light bulbs, He blinded us with warmth, light, true love. (we didn’t know before we were blind. His light gives us sight!). by the blood, made right in the eyes of our Maker. night’s ended for those that surrender.

momentary

smooth, green bench frozen in cement rectangle,

like memories that scare, scream for attention,

lodged in crevices of file cabinets on lobes,

creeping forward to say hello.

tin trash bin containing yesterday’s debris,

today’s discontent, stationed at curb,

ready to descend.

seagull licks ice cream puddle underneath pay phone.

man in purple tie clips by.

a cloud observes, cries, floats forward.

at least gravity isn’t backwards.

fresh

tectonic threads woven in earthen

womb loom–

shifting, shaping, becoming.

baby star blossoms,

chick tinkers with her wings,

light breaks night, shatters dark, develops

day.

one click and stark, charred film

fades away.

one tock tick and yesterday

gives way

to new volume.

kaleidoscope wonder world.

juicy jungle’s

innocent seeds

summon

cloud

tears.

I know him!

 

this movie scene makes my heart pitter patter thump extra much wow! Buddy knew Santa as a person. He had a friendship, a love, a history with him. Buddy knew Santa’s favourite cookie, his shoe size, his lopsided smile and his endearing wink. Buddy’s reaction to the announcement of Santa’s coming says it all!

if the intercom of life bellowed “Jesus is coming back!” how would your heart respond? with winsome anticipation or distant ambivalence?

Jesus, I want to know you more! you paid my debt and saved my life and filled me with your endless love. thank you so much. I pray for every person to know that you are real and that you love them. this next year, may we know you as our best friend. always with us, always loving us. never changing. holy and beautiful. help us receive you like little children. like Buddy the elf! help us just be loved. reveal yourself to us, Lord. thank youuuu!<3

 

 

reflect

my green eyes searched the rectangular reflection hanging on the back of my parent’s bedroom door.  from hair to heel, I ripped myself apart like a leopard does prey, comparing myself to asparagus thin, pristine women on glossy magazine covers from the grocery store. that 2D woman, posed alluringly with little clothing, told me how to look. her motionless, plump, red lips spoke to me an ideal and an only—that I could look like her, or be ugly. my acne, pointy nose, fat on my thighs, drew the conclusion: I was not good enough. no matter how much foundation I caked on, or how long I spent frying my hair with a straight iron, I couldn’t cross the chasm of beauty. I saw what i wasn’t. steady corrosion eroded me into a thin blanket of apologies. I collapsed.

waking up in a thicket of emerald ferns feathering a forest floor…was not what I expected. roots poked out of the earth like half bridge knobs. ancient bark soared tall, seen it all—laughter and tears, death and love. people who pined, searching their lifetime, the world over, for peace. that sometimes dull, sometimes screaming desire. starving, pain. universal earth ache. throbbing to be noticed, asking “do you love me?”

the dancing leaves and towering trees spoke testament: cosmic turmoil contained in every flesh tent. I knew it well. craving but never relieved. burning for more; born with flames tickling my  heart. a “do you love me?” echoed through the forest, through my lifetime. men came and went. one stayed for life. still I hungered. I searched—under clouds and stones, behind trunks and waterfalls, in human hands. nothing. who could whole this furious, yearning hole?!

a mere shadow of life, I crumpled under the tree canopy.

a crimson droplet cascaded through the leaves, dripped on my nose, drew my eyes up. life rain, love reigning. God sacrificed Himself, bloodied, beaten, killed by those He formed and desired. life for life. this God took my place, created a way for my wayward heart to be welcomed home! oh what LOVE! how could it be? tentative and aware of my stains, I timidly crouched under a fern. hiding. wishing. wondering. he beckoned me. me?? incredulous, i stayed hidden. already seen, fully known, yet totally loved. how?! such outrageous love seemed unreal.

yet, the love soaked me, sang my missing note, completed my puzzle. i was inside out, upside down, undone in the presence of soul saturating desire so passionate and sacrificing. I knew: I am LOVED. drawn out of hiding, led into light. that second of rapturous delight transformed me. forever clean. thank you Jesus.

woke up new on the shag carpet bedroom floor. once puddle but now sunrise, I beamed. a cross hammered hand reached down for me. set me free, loved me from scalding burns and tornado turns to healing and a whole heart.

looking into that same mirror, I reflect the forest. the soft ferns and gentle breeze found in my hair and graceful nose. Love found me.

awe(and then)some

Glorious and holy. Infinite yet intimate, loving clay and dust like us

Climb a ladder to the stars You named
Each hair on my head numbered

Spoke and there was light
Rewind to the womb
Where You knit me together inside my mother
Separated day from night
Every tear I’ve ever cried You hold in your bottle
Wrote my name in your book of life
Oh the wonder!
You’ve always been with me
From day one
To the day I’m done
here
God You see
Every heartbeat
Every blink
Every thought I think
Each sigh
Every heart cry
When I scream
And when I lie
Your love undoes me
The antidote to my bleeding soul
Empty me of me
Fill me up with You, God
Fill me with you God
Oh, the wonder!
Star breather
Ocean speaker
Come breathe again in me
There’s no life apart from you
Every breath filling my lungs a merciful gift from God above
(thank You)
Oh the wonder
Your understanding, beyond measure
Your beauty, beyond comprehension
Your Spirit alive inside this flesh tent
I don’t understand how a holy God could have affection for a people stained by sin but that’s where faith comes in
You sent Your only Son, crucified, arms stretched wide across the grey sky
Your love trickling to the ground, crimson droplets, a lovely tide, earth turned upside down, undone love himself came down, lived a perfect life, died to give us life. Rose victorious, conquering death, shame, sickness–his loss our gain. Unconditional love! I’m wrecked in your presence, tears splatter, heart pierced, unravel me Lord Jesus I surrender
Oh! the wonder…