Pregnancy Diaries: God is on the throne

Finding out you’re pregnant for the first time = hitting the climax of a rollercoaster then continuing on, being catapulted into the sky. Totally unchartered territory, like clouds and thinning air. A concoction of emotions spit up: ecstasy, joy, gratitude, and the morning sickness puke emotion–oh-crap-how-do-I-be-a-mom?!

then  you remind  yourself: bajillions of parents have given birth successfully, not broken their fragile two day old, navigated toddler tantrums, even survived their teenager’s ‘tude.

…wait. there’s a PERSON inside me! WHAT?!! A person the size of a sesame seed, according to my baby bundle in tummy app thing. How do I even. How do I even begin. How do I even begin to understand this! A sesame seed…

the first few days after finding out the news were filled with high pitched  phone calls with my girlfriends, constipation, thankfulness, and a monster erupting from deep beneath my skin folds. the fear monster, inevitably accompanied by his stinky friend, anxiety.

what if i miscarry? or preterm labor? or the other 408 bad things Google tells me could happen? not to mention all the stories I read online of excruciating birth experiences. an anxiety seeped in and began to constrict my joy, suffocated my heart. not to mention my years of insecurity mounting surrounding motherhood.

God! I cried, Help! Free me from fear and anxiety! Help me trust You. Make my body a safe, healthy, peaceful place for our baby. May I be a temple of Your Holy Spirit, Lord Jesus. 

at that time, a song came on Pandora: On the Throne by Kari Jobe.

I will walk through the valley of fear
I will walk through the storm
I won’t be overcome, I won’t be overcome

For the Lord is
He is able, He is faithful
Higher than the mountains that I face
Every season, I will press on
For God alone, is on the throne

I will walk in Your promise
Walk in Your victory
I will walk in Your power
I won’t be overcome, I won’t be overcome

For the Lord is
He is able, He is faithful
Higher than the mountains that I face
Every season, I will press on
For God alone, is on the throne

yes! My soul screamed in relief. God IS on the throne! At this, fear shrunk back and anxiety fled.

each moment, life and death are set before us. each moment, a choice. each moment, I can choose. I can choose fear, worry, doubt, self-centeredness, flesh. Or I can choose to trust God, to listen to Him, to obey Him, and to know: He is on the throne!

On The Throne by Kari Jobe

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