Rockbottom: The Place to Be

I was 18 when I fell off the cliff. Dark ate my soul’s hole–empty, alone, afraid. Sadness dripped from my eyes and nose. Shattered to the core. Always night.

Broken on the kitchen floor, sobbing, screaming, dying. Jesus walked into my life.

And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples,for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, “why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” And when Jesus heard it,he said to them, “those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Mark 2:15-17

Jesus hung out with broken people–prostitutes, tax collectors, sinners, those aware of their need. He condemned the so called put together, the religious people.

But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in.
Matthew 23:13

The leper, the bleeding, the dirty, the sinner, the least of these–the ones the world rejected–Jesus called beloved.

Good news for those who’ve fallen! Rockbottom is better than “having it all together”! For those who think they’re good on their own, don’t see their need for a Savior.. they perish.

I was once a Pharisee, blind and deceived. Like Saul become Paul, Jesus had mercy on me. He let me slam rockbottom! Humbled, grateful, saved from my sin through God’s free gift of grace in Christ Jesus, I sing a love song to my Savior. For redeeming all the pain, healing all the hurt, covering all rebellion, atoning all the dirty, washing me clean, softening my heart, opening my eyes to see the truth, loving me at my darkest.

Rockbottom.
Seems like end,
But is beginning

Rockbottom: the best thing that ever happened to me.

I hope God gives you a wake up call. I hope He shows you Himself.
I hope you hit rockbottom, too❤

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:18,24-25a

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians2:8-9

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

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toast

Making breakfast, I ponder
waterfalls—
blue, rushing droplets, notes strung together, cascading, crescendoing on the ride of gravity and time.
grand finale of broken surface, thin mist dusting cliff and leaf
miniature fish bathe in frothy cloud culmination, their tails flick, laughing
time erodes rock
my toast springs up like two prairie dogs.

while observing paint drying
and waiting on water bubbling,
life turtles sloths & snails

suddenly,
days slip through my fingertips like water drips
swirling down drains, puddling in rock wells & sidewalk dips.
seconds are days are years are decades.
time, the deceptive friend, swindles
the seconds turned centuries
as we all find ourselves
upside down ground.
I looked to elusive tomorrow,
thinking it would be better
or at least promised.
they lied.
I looked to yesterday,
salty water slipping from my eyes
sliding down my cheek
falling off my chin
onto crimson fabric

all we have is now.

light slips through dusty yellowed blinds
an orange cat, poised on the window sill,
licking licking
licking thick fur
yellow pencils, artfully arranged,
point to opportunity
stored up
unwritten lead

meanwhile ferns—emerald and lace—
feather forest floors
monkeys learn swing,
which bugs taste good
off mother’s back
clouds open & close
stars twinkle & diminish
people born & die
seasons rotate
clocks run out of battery
I butter my toast.

leaves curl
brown
twirl to the ground
the evil on earth, the secrets of man
concealed in darkness
flowers and moons whisper:
light is coming
turn from dark
live in light
freedom is found
through surrender
like baby birds falling in open air
for the first time

self-preserve, lose all
lose all, find life
step a second into light
discover: the mysteries of God

dry brown bread
crunches between my teeth
crumbles on crimson fabric

it’s only Tuesday.

unconscious ocean floor

chaotic din
unceasing
the radio
the voices
the thoughts
the pain

where did the quiet go?

take me to silence
the place my soul rests
lays out cares
breathes

take me to the silence
where birds feed their wings
with air streams
and forgotten melodies

take me to the silence
I need to hear
my own heartbeat

take me to the silence
where life stills
get me away
from my brain
from noise

stop the chatter
commercials
fears
people— vessels
I cling to
leave me
broken,
empty

yearning

not sure
what soul
restless for

but I continue
to wander
till
someone
saves
me

drowning
blacked out
ocean floor
bubbles stopped
rising
gone

unexpected
welcomed
He came
like a wild mare
fierce
glorious

perfect timing
picked up
lungs flooded
water pumped
out
air again
choke
cough
breathe
alive

overwhelmed
gratitude
hug
overcame
my sorrow
replaced
with peace

Jesus—
the world’s
rescue plan
my perfect
alltogether beautiful
answer
lover
Saviour.

wild invitation

you are seen
understood
loved
fully known
pursued
delighted in
God reaches out His hand day and night,
waiting
inviting you
will you listen?

it will cost but will free
you
to know the Maker
is  life
all else death
darkness

encountering Him
is to come alive
bright
love

let go
surrender
yourself—
your ways
for His
your ashes
His gems
your brokenness
traded
for beauty

not easy
worth it
let go
let God
take over

then eyes see
heart beat
ears hear
joy—
unspeakable
new
full
relief

fall down
to get up where
you could never go
on your own

you are seen
understood
loved
fully known
pursued
delighted in
God reaches out His hand day and night,
waiting
inviting you
will you listen?

Beautifully Broken

“What’s your name?”   “A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a” the air stops as my throat constricts, the same sound shooting out like a sprinkler stuck in one patch of grass.  Sometimes people laugh, thinking I forgot my name. “I stutter,” I say with a shrug.

Growing up, rollercoasters of butterflies burst out my torso every introduction, public speech, phone call. Insecurity, inadequacy, shame rattled behind me everywhere I went like tin cans tied with twine to my spine, a constant reminder of my blemish.

Whatever your stutter may be–a disability, illness, struggle– let your weakness draw you to Christ. Jesus didn’t die for perfect people. We’re all sinners. He died and rose for those who know they need a Savior. If you feel weak, broken, hurt… go to God. He wants you. He loves you.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9‭-‬10 NLT

Jesus answered them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.”
Luke 5:31‭-‬32 NLT