that feeling when you get a gift and it’s awesome

hours curled on the kitchen floor, with each sigh and sniffle willing in sunshine or smiles, a new season, something.

when did life get so frowns and tears?

another tissue box shuffle–full to empty. empty and low. the sidewalks notice me. maybe. that’s how i feel.


flipping through this big, ancient, alive book I find this:

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

psalm 103:1-5

starving girl, an outward reflection of inner rejection. shredding myself, acidic mantras beaten into brain grooves deep and foreboding… stupid, ugly, never good

enough.

muscles fizz and spasm with unending tension, unable to function. bruised, beaten, distressed.

puffed up mind, torn apart soul

curled like a hedgehog or fallen leaf,

weeping sheepishly on the linoleum tiles

drowning slowly

in shame.


psalm 103:4

:WHO REDEEMS YOUR LIFE FROM THE PIT

how to hope for a saving hand, when already eleven feet under?

this takes Spirit and love beyond the border of stars and dark.

to believe in God though

death steals hearts near yours and

sickness feeds on your very bone marrow.

starving stomach, do you hope for sustenance

deferred heart, do you thump up to beat a melody, still?

dusty drum set

book spine uncracked

how does the lioness mama crouch to pounce after missing potential dinner twenty times

already


the healing came like crocuses and acrobat chickadees after a biting arctic melts under raw sun extract.

the rays of sun, like curls of flame, crackled and licked chilly waves of air. wild and unhindered, the fire consumed old chaff of life. Jesus–my Jesus– purifies my heart, electrifying each notebeat to compose a new rhythm, new land. like a tree gracing the forest ceiling, many take solace in His roots, bark, branches.

 

the healing came slowly then suddenly, and nothing of my own doing.  two cross beams nailed across east and west, Jesus hung there for me. lived and died and lived again. gives me life, too. this i know with all the atoms I’m composed of–He loves me.

dancing with the Author, His hand ever extended, Jesus invites you and me out of the pit. redemption. 

a free gift.

paint chips or chipped paint

chunky headphones curve over me like earmuffs. i feel cool wearing them as i strut down sidewalk squares.

i’m just earthen pottery, really.

the Cool One spoke, named, and upholds stars.


a potted plant contrasts a pool of cement
a flamingo pecks at tin cans in a monochromatic dump
a patch of blue sky and cottonball clouds peak through coughing smog
:glimpses of beauty in dirt

Jesus– bountiful supplier of life things like oxygen and hope– offers love, a free gift.


what is ocean’s measure

under boundaries of sky

how do clouds glide

where do minds

dance to

at night?

The lesson I’ve learned 2,436 times since 1990

A Thursday in November:

He wraps his long, muscular arms around my shoulders, kisses my forehead, whispers in my ear “I love you.”

Even when my wonderful husband acts on point, loving me incredibly, it’s not enough to satisfy the raging craving in my starved soul. 

How many times will elderly, up high cotton balls drip rain, how many minutes will leave– eroding the time bank,  how many exhales will escape before I know in my heart of soul, no man can satisfy me. 

When single and even that I’m now married, I look for ice cream in a tree, search for hugs from birds [looking in all the wrong places]. Like a baby tortoise learning to waltz, I’ve tripped over my toes, trying to get satisfaction from people. 

God created us to be loved by Him! Floods of grace, finally whole. How did I go so long with the hole in my soul. 

Found. Loved. Satisfied in the arms of my Savior, Jesus❤

displaced | replaced

displaced affection, worldly lust and gone the wrong direction. no love for You, no fear of You as Almighty God. i exchanged the truth of God for a lie, an adulterer, I ran, giving my heart to whatever. took cover under the world’s ways, ran far astray. lukewarm and doubleminded—a house divided, unsteady like a wave tossed in the ocean. shame blinded me to grace. i hid. sewing fig leaves to cover my skin and sin, exposed under Your all seeing eyes. here I am, three stories deep in sin, trying to believe that You love me. i’m Your enemy, God! Evil, Lord! i’m totally evil. You see all of my thoughts, how they judge people. how i beat myself up. how i worry. how afraid. You see me sinning. how far i feel.

yet my feelings deceive.

You love me.

if I want proof, i only need the cross. You sent Your Son, Jesus, to be with us. to die for us. to rise. You paid our debt, took our punishment. Your blood’s the only cure for our sin sickness. antidote to death. hallelujah–darkness undone.

as i gaze on You, You’ve always already seen me. saw through my disguise. Your eyes well with compassion, gave Your Son up so i could be free.

the Gospel is for people like me. for the ones who struggle. the ones who feel far away. for the one’s who know they’ve done wrong. messed up. given up on themselves. who know they’ll never be good enough. shame and affliction. fear and addiction. weak. poor in spirit. the Gospel is for us.

Gospel equals good news. Gospel is You made a way to Yourself. Gospel is God wants us. in our distress and angst, God reaches out and pursues. a fierce pursuit of a disobedient and obstinate people. sick with sin and utterly unworthy. yet the Maker of the universe says: I want you. the shed blood of an innocent Saviour: proof of this earth-healing Love!

what is this mercy? i do not deserve this. love so ferocious my sin swept into the ocean. weeping with thankfulness. i’m undone in Your arms. broken apart because you love me! you put my puzzle pieces together but a new picture you form, I’m no longer winter storm but a peaceful willow beside a stream, full of life, full of peace. my life dances praise to the one who ransomed me from my soul’s bleak, cold misery to a life of victory. i lift my eyes to look on You always. now i live not for me but for You. rags for riches. dirt for beauty. Jesus, You’re all i have, all i want. the answer to everything, the risen reigning King. break me open pour me out, living sacrifice. worthy worthy worthy. Only You are worthy! a trillion thank you’s. each breath a song of gratitude.

Wise Chirps

Jesus has been speaking to me through the birds. He takes care of their every need. If the birds lack nothing, how much more fulfilled am I–a person, of much more value than any bird! 

 I’ve really been struggling with anxiety lately. God meets me in the midst of my whirlwind, speaks gently, reminds me of truth. Speaks through two winged wonders. 

Real talk: worry is real but so is Jesus. With this pregnancy especially, God is asking me to trust. To know He is in control. 

 Whatever your worry thing may be, take time today to stare at some birds. Listen, you may hear God’s peaceful reassurance in those flying, twirling diddies 💕


the only today

the sound of a sunrise
smell of a star
taste of a song
linger in my mind
on the only October sixth two thousand seventeen of all time

the afternoon waxes and wanes like an indecisive moon

somewhere,
taco meat browns
somewhere,
rusted shovel hits rocky dirt
somewhere,
three cars collide

somehow,
dinner disappears
somehow,
seeds take root underground
somehow,
people survive

someone eats,
someone plants,
someone prays

the evening glides away like a boat untied

the sound of a sunset
smell of a star
taste of a song
linger in my mind
on this October sixth two thousand seventeen–the only one of its kind.